Looking Back

I was just thinking... Sometimes, I think about how I used to react to things when I was a kid. And I would laugh it off with my dearest brother. Sometimes even going on to make fun of the then myself. Haha. But, the more I do that, the more I tend to fail to reflect on how I HAVE grown to be me now...

I used to be an idiot. Mummy mummy mummy...

Then there was a time I thought life was just not my cup of tea (when I was probably like... haha... 10 yrs old?).

Later, I thought how gifted I was as compared to my friends, becaused I started to realise my hidden talents and come to know in my then social circle, I was the only one.

Then, I kept claiming to myself that life is too short, so I have to enjoy. And this is when I started to doubt the true purpose of STUDYING (not EDUCATION, mind you...).

So, I started hating life. Some teenage emo shit I guess.

And today, (I still do hate studying...) I am a slack-fied loser... and have been inspired much by music. (Now, I WILL NOT entertain people who may come up to me and say that I should never lose my esteem and deem myself a loser cos it will only make me even more a loser than I am right now. I don't give a shit about it, cos I know what I mean by loser.... OK? Ok..)

And right now, I realise I don't make much sense from this post... cos I have no clue why I'm writing this.

But anyway, I don't want to be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, blah blah blah... I wanna inspire people. I want to make a difference in people's lives just like he did to mine. I want them to feel worth living. Worth themselves. I want to teach them to breathe and see the colours around them. I don't want to cure people nor save them from the law nor teach them things they are not learning WILLINGLY like me! I want to be myself.

But, how? I have no freaking idea... I have achieved nothing in life, really... And I want my Mom to understand me. That maybe I am different. But, she will never accept me that way.

Do you get my drift? I don't want to waste my time in doing something I don't like... I want to do it my way if it is possible. I mean... why not?? I want to be with people. I want to work with people. I don't want to be part of them.

I just want to make them smile.

I want to MAKE MUSIC! I want people to love my music. I want them to be affected by MY music... MY voice... MY emotions...MY passion. I want them to love me for who I AM...

But, HOW?

God... I feel...

Ok. maybe I'll just shut up and become a teacher.

And, please. I am NOT the usual teenager you expect to be out there emoing about life and crapping away about what she wants. I MEAN this shit... I DO.

Love is not my thing...